Finding me.

I haven’t been on here in a year. Partly why is because I have been going through a huge transition in my life and it has been difficult for me to process. I’m scared to be completely honest on here and speak about what I’m currently going through but I’m pushing through that fear today and doing it anyway. Obviously I wrote absolutely nothing in 2019 and a lot of life has happened since then. Last October I made the decision to move down to Houston to receive treatment for my mental health.  Being away from home and my family has been the hardest part… but my mom has reminded me, “This is the beginning of the rest of your life. This will be worth it.” I know it is because I’ve gone through this before and didn’t think I would make it… but I did. Starting back in treatment for my OCD and anxiety again had made me feel I was taking steps backwards and many familiar feelings that I had going through treatment the first time was popping up again. Feeling absolutely defeated and that my life was over. Like how did I get here again? Why am I having to be separated from my family and friends AGAIN. The help that I needed was not available in Reno as much as I wanted it to be and to be home the reality was that it wasn’t an option. Flash forward to today… I’m currently in month 3 of my treatment program and today has been pretty rough. Feeling completely lost, depressed, and not wanting to be here anymore. I want more than anything to keep fighting for myself and holding on as tight as I can because there is light at the end of this, but the journey getting here hasn’t been easy. I’m tired of being tired and going through the motions of my life. It has felt like being in survival mode constantly.

I’m currently in IOP treatment and it has been quite a journey so far. I don’t even know where to start because so much has happened. I’m making so many changes in my life and really learning to be okay with myself. The days are so long and exhausting especially living with OCD but the only way out is through. I’m really digging deep down within myself and learning to live with uncertainty. Life is filled with it and that absolutely terrifies me, but I know I can’t live my life constantly waiting for something bad to happen to me or my loved ones. That’s not living at all it’s merely just existing for the next day. Putting myself first is not something that I do very often so these last few months have been about me really focusing on that and it has been something I’ve needed to do for a long time. Some of the biggest work has been how to overcome how I feel about myself and loving myself through this whole experience and after as I continue to live with OCD. I had let OCD and my struggles become my identity and I’m working to peel those layers back and find the true Emily. Throughout my whole life I’ve been faced with many obstacles… being born 3 months premature. I came into this world fighting. Fighting for my life. To this day I’m continuing that fight with my mental illness and it has made me question my place in this world and whether or not I belong in it. Some days I don’t know how I’ve made it this far but I have and that is a victory.  I don’t know what my life looks like right now…but underneath all of this struggle is the real Emily. I’m trying to find her… I want her back.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I just want to thank my unconditionally supportive family. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through these last few months without you. When I can’t love myself you are there to help guide me back home.