It has been a very long minute since I shared my words, and when I’m in my darkest moments, it somehow brings a crack of light back in when everything feels so far out of reach. Part of why I haven’t written is because I created a story in my head that I was sharing too much or being too much for people. That belief closed me off-feeling like I was apologizing for even breathing and convincing myself that I didn’t deserve a place at the table. I recently graduated in May 2025 with my bachelor’s degree in Social Innovation & Human Service – something I never thought would be possible for me to accomplish. The hardest battle I’ve faced this year has been myself, and it has been a long 11-year journey navigating my mental health through the highs and lows. It can be an incredibly isolating experience at times, and for the people who have been on this journey with me, I know it hasn’t been easy watching me suffer and battle myself. But it has shown me the depth of unconditional love and support that can exist when all feels lost.
I want to share some experiences that have challenged me to my core-questioning my purpose and whether I’m even meant to be in this world. The brain can be so powerful that there have been moments where I’ve cried in frustration and despair, hating my brain and the way it works, feeling at complete odds with it and not wanting to understand what it was trying to show or teach me. I’ve been so tired of myself that going to sleep felt like the only peace-relief in not being awake-but it never lasted. Once the sun came up, I knew it would start all over again. Finding peace while awake, in daily life, has at times felt impossible.
I’m baffled by how I’ve gotten here and survived when there were moments I never thought I’d make it to 29, let alone turn 30 next May. Every couple of years, I’ve had patterns of completely spiraling-becoming unable to function in ways that drastically affected my life. This happened twice during my college years, when I took leaves of absence and attended classes virtually with the support of my professors. Seeing myself fall into that headspace again was absolutely devastating. I could always tell when I was getting “bad again.” I didn’t know how I would graduate, but I knew I had to prove to myself that I could climb this mountain I’d faced so many times before. And in May 2025, I walked the stage. I did it. Because when I reached milestones I never thought I would as a child-going to elementary school and homeschooling, through graduating high school and going to college-these were things I never thought would happen.
After spending the summer back home in Reno with my family, I applied and interviewed for the Clinical Mental Health Graduate Program at UST-where I earned both my associate’s and bachelor’s degrees, a place where I grew and would continue to grow. I was accepted and set to start in Fall 2025. During the interview, emotional resilience was a major focus. I didn’t know then how pivotal that conversation would become. Leading up to starting school again, my first day arrived, and I woke up in absolute panic. Every thought rattled me. I could barely regulate my emotions and had to mask everything I was feeling before the day had even begun. I barely made it through. After finishing a virtual class in the library, I called my mom and burst into tears. It took me right back to elementary school-holding everything in all day and then unraveling the moment she picked me up. I could hear how lost she felt too. All she could say was, “Maybe you should just come home and get a low-stress job. This might be too much.” I felt like I had let everyone down-especially myself. After everything I had already overcome, from graduating high school to going to college, to those brief sparkles of life outside my head, I had expectations of myself. Because when I reached milestones I never thought I would, I believed I had to keep proving people wrong-including me. But having a clear image of how you think life should go doesn’t mean it will unfold that way. Accepting that has been one of the hardest parts. Being a therapist is something I hope to have one day, and I want to allow myself the grace that it may take longer than I thought to get there. My lived experience will help me tremendously one day, even if the path takes time. Grief followed. I questioned if this path was even right for me, doubting everything about myself and what I’m capable. That night, I spoke with my parents, and I made one of the hardest decisions of my life: to defer the program and focus on treatment to regulate my emotions because they were drowning me. At that point, I couldn’t imagine holding space for others when I could barely hold myself. I wasn’t ready.
A week later, I started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)-“An evidence-based treatment that helps people manage intense emotions and build a “life worth living.” It teaches skills in mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. Originally developed for borderline personality disorder, it’s now used for depression, PTSD, eating disorders, and substance use. DBT balances acceptance and change, combining individual therapy, skills training, and phone coaching.” This has been the hardest work I’ve done since OCD treatment-because it isn’t just about OCD. It’s about parts of myself that needed tending to for a long time. My whole life, my emotions have felt like they could swallow me whole, always in the driver’s seat. Through conversations with my parents, we believe part of this may stem from being born three months premature-a traumatic, stressful entrance into the world when I wasn’t ready. I’ve been gripping for dear life, just wanting to function without feeling constantly on edge and threat-sensitive. I never really considered how deeply this shaped the way I move through the world. I was just coping the best way I knew how at the time. Over the last few years, I relied on numbing and escaping certain emotions by using marijuana. In my opinion, this can help people in certain ways and is a personal decision-but for me, it became a slippery slope. If I didn’t share this part, it would be like molding it to look a certain way so I wouldn’t feel judged, but this is my reality. As I went deeper into DBT, I had to face that it wasn’t serving me in this season, and hopefully one day I can have a healthier relationship with it and trusting myself to make that decision, but for now, it’s off the shelf. Identifying the safety behaviors I’ve leaned on throughout my life has shown me how my brain learned that I can’t cope, keeping me trapped in cycles of emotional pain and stagnation. The reason I’m sharing this is deeply vulnerable and personal, but as I’ve learned, shame thrives in secret by staying quiet and small. This is the reality of some of the obstacles I have been facing in recent years. With the struggles of OCD, it thrived on questioning my morality and whether I was a good or bad person. It loved to make me question who I am, but being truly honest helps take away the power and let others know that it’s okay to ask for help. The people that love you and care about you will love you, and the others-you’ll know where you stand. Maybe they won’t understand, and that’s really none of our business. There is no control in that; all we can do is do the next right thing and what is most beneficial in our own journey. Easier said than done, trust me-I get that. It’s a constant reminder to myself and something I have to work on daily.
This includes independence and relationships, especially with my mom and dad. My mom has always been my safe space, and my dad has always been my rock, advocate, and quiet strength in the background. I am solely aware of how fortunate I am to have the family I do and the ability to receive beneficial and high-quality care, something I know is not possible for many. I have never taken that lightly. Still, I’ve often operated from a younger version of myself in distress-believing I couldn’t comfort myself, terrified of finding my identity outside my family. I’m still working on stories of not being a burden to my family and including friends. Being an adult in your twenties can be liberating, but it can also be really scary. Now, all of a sudden, you’re on your own, and I still wish there was some sort of guide to get through it. There have been moments when I didn’t want to be an adult, as if I had a choice in the matter, and I just wanted to run back to my parents-my parents getting older, my sisters on their own paths, not living under the same roof. Growing up is forcing me to face things that I wasn’t ready for and to navigate feelings that have felt extremely overwhelming, and change is the only certainty there is, which is not something I even like to acknowledge but know I have to accept at some point. I’ve questioned whether I could “cut it,” as if adulthood were optional. I’ve looked at the world through fear and self-doubt, convinced that any misstep meant I wasn’t capable. For a long time, I have believed that if I prepared for every worst-case scenario, I could protect myself and those around me. OCD attacks everything you value and everyone you love, and that constant fear made it feel like the only way to survive. But trying to control the uncontrollable only robbed me of joy in the present moment.
For much of my life, I’ve had experiences that felt impossible. Being in middle school, I could only sit outside of the school for five minutes at a time. I worked in a separate classroom taught by a family friend who supported me through everything. We even made a quilt together, and I still have it-it serves as a reminder of where I was and where I am now. In high school, I worked my way up to class with an aid who has still been a dear friend to me, seeing me through so much. Looking back, as much as I wanted to stay hidden, I definitely stuck out-eating lunch by myself, constantly being controlled by anxiety. Later, getting my driver’s license and traveling by myself felt terrifying, and at one point, I genuinely feared leaving my house.
Being a people pleaser has been a huge obstacle for me as well-I would give everything of myself because I thought I had to prove my worth. I overcompensated constantly because I didn’t want to feel abandoned or alone. Making friends growing up and into adulthood has thrown me for a loop. As much as I know that I love hard, I’ve constantly abandoned myself in stories with friends. For a long time, giving everything of myself because I thought I had to prove my love and loyalty. I’m learning that I can love and be there for friends without losing myself in the process. If I don’t hear from a friend, it doesn’t mean I’ve done something wrong as. friends are building their own lives, It means friendships move and change with life as we get older , – sometimes closer, sometimes quieter. Love still exists, even in the space. That’s part of being human, and a natural part of life., one that I’m still getting used to. It’s taking time with myself, which has been very hard to do. I know it’s my little self just screaming for a friend and to be liked. This is something that has weighed me down and forced me to try and be a friend to myself. It’s been a rocky one, but I’ll keep you posted.
I believe our parents always do the best they can with what they know at the time. There is no guidebook for being a perfect parent-only showing up when it matters most. They always did that and have loved us fiercely throughout our whole lives. We have also been working through some tough family challenges this year, which added another layer of complexity to my own journey. I can definitely say this year did not go how I thought it would-being back in treatment and pausing graduate school-but I hope one day I will see that this was for my greatest good. Sometimes the best outcomes come from things you never thought would happen. Life tends to lead you where you are meant to be, even if it’s not how I pictured it for myself. Emotional resilience is what I’m learning, and learning to trust that I can get there..
I don’t have answers. I’m still here. That feels like something.
OCD Diaries 