6.

08/04/2014

I can’t believe it’s been six years since my journey to treatment for OCD began. Part of me feels so far away from that period of my life, but I still look back on that first day like it was yesterday. At eighteen years old I had given up on life. I had to leave home and everything I knew to residential treatment at the Houston OCD Program (Now the McLean OCD Institute of Houston). The most painful part was I had given up on myself… and came to the conclusion that this was going to be the rest of my life. Debilitated by every dark and disturbing thought that came to my mind. Unwanted sexually intrusive thoughts took over my whole life. I was at constant war with my brain and every thought that came with it.  As humans on average we have about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day, so as you can only imagine it was absolute torture living inside my own. Little did I know this was just the beginning of my recovery.

To receive treatment for the second time at McLean OCD Institute of Houston last October makes this day even more surreal. I had to really sit with myself and not think of this as a setback and more of a stepping stone to get my life back. OCD had already tried to take over my life and I wasn’t’t going to let it happen again. Almost 4 months later and Feb of this year I finished treatment and slowly am starting to rebuild my life on my own terms and not by the experiences of OCD & Anxiety. (Such a fun pair) I’ve really come full circle and make the choice to live fully as best I can. I have to constantly remind myself that I can be happy and sad. I can feel it all! For a long time I have been scared to feel my emotions… and creating endless amounts of stories that I couldn’t handle what life was showing me. Searching for happiness and healing like it was a destination or a check mark off a list. It’s been the most challenging and intimate work. Suffering is part of the human condition and is something I tried to outrun, but I never stopped to change the narrative that just maybe… my suffering could lead me to something bigger than myself. These seasons have challenged me to my core but without them I wouldn’t be where I am today. One of my favorite humans in the world once told me “triggers are our guides.” It’s been messy and has exposed me to the fears and comparison trap that I created. I’ve committed to this work and humbled by it constantly. It never ends.

Lastly, This past weekend I attended (virtually) to my 2nd International OCD Foundation Conference. I cried A LOT! I left the weekend overwhelmed and grateful to have been surrounded by so many brave and beautiful individuals. Hope and resilience will always be our leading story. Constant reminders that joy, presence, and purpose is on the other side of it all. Compassion for our minds and make it our home.

I won’t ever forget what my pain has taught me. I’m wide eyed and eternally grateful. Fully open.

This was at the airport and the first time seeing my sister’s since I finished treatment back in 2014. The longest I had ever been away from them. BABIES!!!!