DEPRESSION & ANXIETY
“The sad thing is, Suicide doesn’t end the pain. It just passes it on to someone else.”
Imagine walking down a long road that never ends… That’s what depression and anxiety feel like. It’s there constantly over your shoulder waiting to grab you when you are feeling the most vulnerable. The recent and tragic deaths of Kate Spade & Anthony Bourdain are huge reminders that no one is immune to suicide and it can happen to anyone… it doesn’t matter where you come from or who you are. Just because you don’t see their pain doesn’t mean it’s not there. There are so many people around the world that are battling those demons and loose perspective of everything. At the same time couragously fighting to be who they are destined to be. These depressed thoughts are not you.. they are simply thoughts that are passing through, but they get your attention and make you believe that because it came from you.. then that means they are you. It’s so important to ask for help… Many people feel that it’s a sign of weakness but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Facing those emotions when you don’t want to feel them is the bravest thing you could ever do. I’ve had days where I can barely be alone with myself because sitting in that pain is unfathomable. It’s like you just sink slowly into an oblivion of nothing. Once a week with my therapist I continue to talk through those feelings even if they scare me because I know the only way to get a handle on it is to face that shit head on. Suicide rates have gone up more than 30% in half of our states and has increased in nearly every state in the last two decades. Among the ages of 15-34 suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death. We must stop having this mindset that suicide is only an individual problem this is a global issue that is taking the lives of so many promising lives… we are failing our mental health system and it’s killing us.
Depression is a daily battle I struggle with.. this is hard to share but the best way to describe it is “WHAT IS THE POINT?” I literally have asked myself that question because I’ve struggled to find the answer. What is the point of making a life for myself? What is the point of getting up every morning and putting effort in my appearance? What is the point of feeling good about myself? What are we doing all of this for? The answer is to do it for myself and from the outside looking in that is more than any good reason. Depression makes you feel well that’s not enough that’s not the answer. We are all going do die one day so why even try. This is the harsh reality of mental illness. I’ve been more present when it comes to dealing with my depression… It’s still there but I push through it and move forward with the day, and that’s something I remind myself to be proud of. The small steps I take everyday to push myself, leaving the house and social interaction, is something I couldn’t even do 9 months ago. It’s all a process, one that I just have to be patient with because it will all come back together again, but if I force myself and give zero self-compassion it doesn’t work. You can’t have one without the other, there is a certain amount of push I need to give but if I don’t feel ready I can’t beat myself up about it if I don’t finish it or do it. What’s the point of doing that? Nobody wins. I will get there. The type of person I am I don’t give up easily but depression makes you feel like giving up everything and you don’t care. Depression is such a slippery slope and I’ve gotten really good at hiding it for so long… It becomes much like acting, something over the years I’ve become quite good at and makes it easier to hide, because if no one knows then everyone will leave me alone. I go and and try do normal things on a daily basis. If I don’t show the pain then it becomes much easier not to explain myself. I still sometimes don’t have a handle on what it is I’m feeling and some of my family and friends are confused when they hear from my mom that I’ve been crying all day or in my room when just the other day I was laughing and out & about. I like to call depression an invisible mask because you don’t see it and it can easily hide and make you numb. Back when I was in my treatment program I remember having a conversation with one of my RC’s and I remember telling him I don’t think it’s possible to be truly happy.” He replied back to me, “I think you have experienced those feelings but it’s been a really long time… so I do think it’s possible for you.” I had been so clouded by my sadness that I had forgotten that I was happy at one point in my life. My OCD/Anxiety/Depression had made me feel that I was in a dark hole and everyday I was just digging myself deeper inside not wanting to come out. I had forgotten and some days that same distorted- thinking has come back to me… of I don’t know if I can be happy. It’s no other outside force it has always been me that self-sabotages and it’s this sort of cycle that I continue to fight through. There are moments when I feel good and the moments are good because I’m present in what I’m doing and I really feel those laughs that make your stomach hurt, and the big smiles that make your nose crinkle. It’s monumental when depression hits to hold onto those feelings as a reminder that you can find your happy and lean on your loved ones for that love and support that you can’t give yourself. It’s so important to hold on and not let go… I’ve held on for 22 years so I think I can hold on much longer. Trust me somedays it feels as though depression is my only identity and that’s all I will ever be. Those are just days and I still try to continue to wake up every morning and go through another one. Feelings are always temporary they never last forever… it may feel unbearable at the time and it feels like it will be forever but I promise those emotions will fade away and you will find that small piece of blue sky again.
OCD Diaries 